I wander about feeling almost normal, fewer and less severe headaches to remind me of what I have been through. Every now and again though, the thought, ‘I had brain surgery’ looms so large in my mind, it casts a shadow over all else. When this happens, I am struck dumb momentarily. As I begin to think upon this ridiculous pronouncement from my own mind, disbelief and sadness course through me like sludgy rivers on a path to nowhere. Despite the evidence to the contrary, I cannot reconcile this; I mean really, it does seem a little ridiculous, does it not?
There begins my very own pity party, a come-as-you-are affair of limited value. I begin thinking just how darn unfair it is, after all I have been through, to have this happen. Useless. Unhelpful. Waste of time. Thoughts. Nonetheless, there they are, circling my mind, triggering feelings of loss, sadness and even anger.
I try when this happens to reign in these useless thoughts. It might seem ok to feel this way occasionally but I know that if I allow myself to indulge in this type of thinking, I could be buried alive by the resulting avalanche of negative emotions, memories and thoughts. My life has been difficult at times, downright depressing at others. I choose to not dwell upon all of that as it leads me nowhere. I prefer to look to the future and focus upon all the good, wonderful things in my life, which in truth, vastly outweigh the bad.
After allowing myself to think of the terrible injustice of it all, I can equally quickly remember that I am lucky to be alive. Without surgery, the aneurysm would have killed me, probably within one short year. Without the stroke in 2007, I may never have had the aneurysm identified and without that, would never had known of the lethal threat it posed me. Rational Veraina knows and deeply appreciates this but every now and again, it is hard to feel grateful for having a stroke and brain surgery. Just every now and again.