Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. Samuel Beckett
I’ve been something of a recluse these past few weeks, lying prone in the ditch of a recovery trough.
I don’t understand what is happening. I have no energy, no desire to exercise, no whip cracking, high achieving voice driving me forward; instead, hurtful thoughts fill my mind and the hours as I scrabble about the abyss searching for my motivation. I am in pain and confused. Rehab and recovery are familiar to me and I know the importance of doing the hard work, inching forward until the goal is achieved. The spark of motivation, previously ever present, is absent. I feel burnt out, exhausted.
Hours have slid by as I ponder this unfamiliar state and equal time spent attempting to ignore the negative diatribe of my inner voice. Realising after these efforts that I still felt adrift, I tried talking with a trusted health professional and whilst that helped a little, I am still wrestling with the demon of doubt. The only thing left is to write about it and hope it will be cathartic and help me process what is happening within.