Lost

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.    Samuel Beckett

I’ve been something of a recluse these past few weeks, lying prone in the ditch of a recovery trough.

I don’t understand what is happening. I have no energy, no desire to exercise, no whip cracking, high achieving voice driving me forward; instead, hurtful thoughts fill my mind and the hours as I scrabble about the abyss searching for my motivation.  I am in pain and confused. Rehab and recovery are familiar to me and I know the importance of doing the hard work, inching forward until the goal is achieved. The spark of motivation, previously ever present, is absent.  I feel burnt out, exhausted.

Hours have slid by as I ponder this unfamiliar state and equal time spent attempting to ignore the negative diatribe of my inner voice. Realising after these efforts that I still felt adrift, I tried talking with a trusted health professional and whilst that helped a little, I am still wrestling with the demon of doubt. The only thing left is to write about it and hope it will be cathartic and help me process what is happening within.

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Lost

  1. I’m (somewhat selfishly) benefitting from your catharsis! Please keep sharing and writing honestly as you wrestle, and I hope that the troughs lead to plateaus and peaks eventually.

  2. Veraina – sending healing hugs your way! Your brain was and is on high alert, always scanning for threat and danger….that’s exhausting; what with all those stress hormones released with nowhere to go as you were unable to move and process the cortisol and adrenaline coursing through you. Now that the major threat has passed, (the op), it’s time to bring on the rest and relax response. Take it easy my friend – life’s a marathon, not a sprint remember?! :-), thank that critical voice for trying to protect you, and do what you can with the kindness and compassion of the survivor you are xx

  3. Hi there Veraina, I have some idea what that is like. About 4 or 5 weeks after I had my knee replacement, I felt utterly listless and miserable. I lay on the couch thinking I would never have the energy to cook a meal, do any gardening or or in fact do anything. I did not know how I was going to crank up the mental and physical energy to organise selling my house. I didn’t even feel like reading or listening to music and I have to be half dead before I stop doing that. The pain was unpleasant and limping around was unlovely but that really wasn’t the problem. It was my mood – it was so low. Eventually it lifted and I cranked up again but it was a horrible experience. So, I’m sure this low patch you are going through will pass but in the meantime you have my sympathy. Claire x

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